Time Flies When Life's Falling Apart

 Goodness! I have been living this "Whoa!" kinda crazy life for two years since I started this blog. I had good intentions of doing a blog daily, well we see how that worked out. As the years go on, I have passed on many of my goals and intentions for one reason or another. I started a new job, my youngest started kindergarten, I have 2 dogs now lol, lots of things have happened in 24 months since I posted my very first blog.

So much has happened since my last post, that life had become somewhat unbearable. I'm a back and forth, emotionally indecisive nightmare right now. I work hard everyday in my mind to get to a healthy place. I have days where I cannot get a grip on my thoughts, and I wander into small endless currents of self pity and distress. The waves of despair wash over me in small cold laps of iciness. This is not where I, nor anyone, would want to end up in their life at 35 years old. I accept each situation and emotion as best as I can, and I force myself to deal accordingly. What other choice would I have? I am a fighter, but even in a full combat battle the fighters get weary and tired. Yet, we rise back up after we catch our breath. But the scars of warfare remain perpetually.

So here's what's happening on the marriage aspect of my life....

I love my husband with every ounce of my being, so before I even start writing anything about our issues, I am just being clear he is the love of my life, even though I'm about to complain! And I am always trying to fight for my marriage and for him. I'm also learning how to fight better for myself and children though as well. He loves me uncontrollably. But....when a person cannot face their inner demons and tame them or force them to disappear, it is only a matter of time before the demon attacks the angel. That is what happened to my husband. When their is inner turmoil, a rage of emotions unexplained and confusing can cause a good person to do things completely baffling to the mind of others. Sadly he has hurt me more than I can express. He hurts me without even realizing what he's doing. Our relationship has been heaven and hell from the beginning for nine years. Our crazy love for each other always seems to bring out the best and worst in both of us. There are moments everyday where I say, "I'm fucking leaving this dude, I just cannot do this!"...but thirty minutes later I realize I can't. I have never been ready. For brief flashing hours, I feel empowered, like YES! I CAN DO THIS! But then I am brought back to my reality of the deep connection I have with Shawn and I cannot fathom cutting that tie. I've been saying it for years,  some force beyond my understanding cements my heart and soul into the foundation of our life. Maybe it's God, maybe he's keeping us together for a reason. I truly do believe everything happens or a reason. I feel stupid and ignorant, and blind every day, and I work on those feelings as I know I am far from being the only woman, wife, significant other to feel this way. I thought at first it was because I was afraid to be alone, afraid to have to do this all over again someday, somewhere in the future. Lord, knows I have been through the ringer with every goddamn man I've ever been with. I have two boys with no biological father in their life as an example.

My husband decided he wanted to become a drug addict the last two years, just to add to the immensely huge pile of shit we go through on a regular basis. I guess he was bad before we ever met, I don't know, but back before I ever knew him he actually sold drugs, so he always had a supply. But back in his day...he didn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids, house, family, job, car, no responsibilities at all etc.... First it was Vicodin in 2015 that landed him in detox then rehab. I never saw a difference in his behavior, though we barely were able to see each other we worked so much. I think back and the things I thought were something else were his opiate addiction. How I thought he needed to be checked for RLS because at night when we were in bed he couldn't keep his legs still.....withdrawals. Or how his already skinny frame had gotten smaller and his face was thinner and sulking, and I told him to make sure he was eating lunch. He was eating alright, eating pills all day. Or how he made twice as much money as me but yet never had any, duh! So he went to rehab, but sadly only for 2 weeks and I truly believe he only went because he was going to lose his job...that he lost anyways a month after he came home. A $19 an hour job...gone!

Then in 2016 he turned into a severe cocaine binger. The stress of having no job, our marriage problems, me working all the time, his self esteem issues took hold and he couldn't get a grip. Though he only binged sporadically (seriously only every few months) to where it truly did not affect our marriage, but in huge amounts in such a small time frame that could easily have put him into cardiac arrest at 34 years old. The last draw was he stole money from our son and I (over $300 in a matter of 3 weeks), and even used money my mother had given him for my birthday to get high. He was picked up by the police 2 days before my birthday after I asked him to leave as he was high on cocaine and had been in the home with our three boys while I worked. That night was the last night he was home. September 28th. It's January! I've seen my husband 15 times since then. He spent 15 days in a psychiatric hospital, came home for 6, left for rehab for 28 days and went straight to his sober living home on our son's 6th birthday. He never even discussed anything with me. Never asked how I felt about him going into a home, never asked if we'd be okay,if I'd be okay..... never asked anything remotely important. He spent 2 hours with us on Thanksgiving, spent Christmas day with us. His time is so limited. And he's a half hour away. So now the addiction has creeped it's way into our marriage in the form of his recovery. And it's heartbreaking. Something that should be exciting, hopeful, new....has turned sour as we live two separate lives. I am not a part of his recovery and he is far from being a part of mine.

Today my husband has been out of our home and in recovery for 106 days. The first month and a half I was beaming with pride as he was so optimistic about our life and his mental health. And now.....I'm just trying to hang on. I feel like a single female. I feel like I have no partner. I feel alone and sad, even though I have my beautiful children. I don't mope around or sleep for days. I still live my life as I should. But it's not the same. When I can't see Shawn when I want, or tell him something the moment I think of it, or ask him to use his long arms to grab a cup off the top shelf, or have him rub my back as we fall asleep, or watch a damn show on Netflix with him...I feel lost. I have to plan out my conversations with him. I have to remember what I wanted to ask him, or tell him, or just simply say to him. How cruel is that?

My life has turned into a waiting game.  He was supposed to come home in mid February, but the way he talks now, I realize he is going to choose to stay longer in his sober living home. And....that....infuriates me!!!!! Then I feel guilty for being angry. But I am, I am so angry. I am here! I am in our home! I am taking care of our children and bills and pets ALL BY MYSELF! And this dude is hanging out with his recovery buddies, going out to breakfast, lunch, dinner, playing fucking euchre every night as I'm in tears because our six year old is so out of control emotionally that I cannot get him into bed! I mean seriously our son has to go to therapy because he has become so out of control since his dad has been gone. I have to deal with that. I have to always be the bad guy reprimanding, and scolding. He's also working and paying his own rent, in this sober home so there's nothing left for him to help his family and I have to get state assistance, what in the hell?

I try to stay calm, and I am the majority of the time. I tend to have my moments at home with my children where I completely lose my shit and I feel unworthy as a mother. I feel myself slipping away from my husband. I'm a wife, a lover, a best friend to this man...and I am not allowed to be any of those things right now and haven't been for months. So I have my resentment eating at me. For the time being no Al-Anon meetings or literature, or Codependent books can block the way I feel. I feel the way I do, and I am allowed to feel pissed and hurt. But I'm working on that. I understand that he will be ready when he feels ready. I'm not an addict so I don't play the "I understand how you feel game" with anyone with addiction issues, I have my own problems to deal with. These are his problems, and now unlike before they are causing  US problems....and there's no resolution happening at this time. My marriage has been put on hold and it really sucks! I know I'm not an angel, but I am a good person. A lot of how I feel I know is absolutely ridiculous and selfish, and well....that's okay for now. It's better to get it all out than to have it build up and explode all over! If there are others out there that are going through something like this, than I completely stand with you!

So as I blog each day from now on I'll express how I feel, things that happen with us, my kids, home, etc. But not everything will be about this. I'll talk about a plethora of topics. Despite it all, I am truly blessed. I have a good head on my shoulders, beautiful healthy children, a loving supportive family, a nice home, a vehicle....and food! Cause I love food! Until next time.......

Another Year....and so it begins.

Some pretty early morning ramblings...

      I hope everyone had an amazing New Years! I've had a few busy days, and I slept a lot compared to normal. Hence why I am just now getting to my next post five dang days after my first. For some reason I could not fall back to sleep after the husband's alarm blared every minute for the duration of forty-five minutes. Are we ready to tackle the unending array of resolutions we  challenge ourselves to year after year? Mine was always my weight. I actually believe that 90% of Americans probably make a resolution to lose weight. What's the point of making a resolution that I will indefinitely disappoint myself. So what I think I'm going to challenge myself to do instead of losing weight is watch my HEALTH and my Family's HEALTH. Make better decisions, better meal options. Pay attention to my body and mind and make notes so I can rehash.

  I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and I'm getting older and am now beginning to feel the effects and strange symptoms I've never experienced before. For those of you that are unfamiliar with this disease, here's a link http://www.nationalmssociety.org/What-is-MS. Just in case you wanted to know exactly what it was.I HAVE to pay attention to everything. I actually cried for a minute late last night because I went to do something, knowing at the very moment I got up from the couch what I intended to do then ten seconds later found myself standing in the kitchen, not remembering what I was doing. Listed off the things in my head I thought may have been what I wanted to do. Could not remember for the life of me. It is very frustrating and I find myself drawing a blank frequently. My speech has also been affected for the past few months. I have an appointment at the MS clinic at UofM in 2 weeks, so I'll feel better seeing a specialist.

 Another half assed resolution I am going to try my very hardest at....being more kind to my husband! No that does not mean more "favors" wink, wink, haha! Well, he'd probably forget all my meanness if he did get a little extra attention. But he doesn't do anything extra when he does get those favors, so sometimes I wonder what the point is! Reward systems don't cut it in this house for some reason. But regardless, I get so frustrated with him, because I expect him to help around the house or know exactly what needs to be done and do the things a man should do, and he just doesn't. BUT HE SHOULD, I'll just try to be less bitchy to him. Yes, this marriage over here has been an incredibly crazy ride, and still continues to be. Though we have improved. But, through all the fighting, and hurting each others feelings, and splitting up over the span of seven years, we still somehow end up just fine. Healthy marriage????? Probably not, but we are the very best of friends and love each other fiercely. I wouldn't trade him, at least not today....well it's still early. I'll let you know later!

  Now I really don't have any problems saying what's going on in my life or what I do, and so on. I'm a great Mom and a good wife, so I'm not ashamed of mistakes I may make or what I do. So my next topic for New Years is my behavior with my children. I cuss....at my kids, not purposely....but I cuss like a damn pirate and loudly too! You could say I'm yelling, yep. So did my parents, and I just inherited the trait..cough,cough! I always feel bad, so one of my goals is to:
       
          breathe,then pull my hair out strand by strand, when they are all in the middle of one of their crazy brothers wrestling match.... screaming, hitting, and insulting each other.

  I'm not trying to make myself look like an idiot, so don't read this and picture me calling my kids names or insulting them, never happens. I just lose it sometimes and let that mouth go with some s and f bombs. My art teacher in freshman year, caught me swearing and called me "Sewer Lips" for a whole month. So I want to watch how I talk to them and around them and remember how hilariously stupid I thought my mom looked and sounded like when she went off.

   But most of all, my number one resolution that I have to abide by is being Mommy as much as I can. My boys are the most wonderful things to ever grace this planet. And the simple thought that God thought so highly of me and loved me so much and pushed aside all my silly young girl mistakes or dumb moves in my life, that he gifted me these three lovely, caring, amazing, and crazy young men! I have worked so much the last few years and so has the husband that we are missing them growing up right in front of our eyes. Especially the youngest, he's four, and the first child that I've not been able to afford to stay home with. And it breaks my heart that his day care provider and teenage brother are caring for him more than I can. I've got to make sure to carve out more time on my day off for special activities. I'm sitting down with the boys when I get home tonight to make resolutions from each of us and design a cool poster board to hang up for a reminder! Maybe my hubby will even participate.

 Most parents and children are obsessed with technology these days, us included! We need to be a family and not all sitting in the same room each of us on our phones staring at the latest Facebook post! When I was little, my Dad played cards with us, or we went somewhere, or hell we walked around outside if we were bored! We were active!

  Well, time to get ready for work. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!


Jen

Just the Beginning

     So, after a few days of thinking it over and dwelling on the coming of another year in this CRAZY BEAUTIFUL life..... here I am! I got the notion in my head that I wanted to start a blog and share all the little crazy, interesting and lovely pieces of my days and life (past and present) with a small portion of the world. I have some great stories and unbelievable experiences that happen on a daily just about! But, all in good time.

      The basics:

1. My name is Jennifer, I went by Jenny for the majority of my life...then suddenly at 30, I was Jen by my own doing. Just seemed more grown up than Jenny. Little side note; My hubby has always called me Jennifer, even though I introduced myself as Jenny when we met.
2. I am a wife and I am a mother to three beautifully different boys.
3. I live in the "Mitten", you all know what that means!
4. I manage a pretty awesome little smokehouse restaurant in a suburban-ish farm town.
5. I love food! Like...I really love food and my size 18 waistline can tell you of all my foodie tendencies!
6. I am a redhead, I am Irish, and other European decent. But my love for Ireland and all things Irish is why I chose my blog title. It means "I Love This Life"

     And I do. This life of mine, like many others throws the hardest of blows at times. Then I stop and wipe the tears, or take a deep breath, or lock myself in the bathroom. Cause as they say, "Life is what you make of it" And at the end of each day, I'm remarkably blessed. Until I get mad...and then I'm cursed!

     

Now I am going to try my best and not continuously edit my posts. I have a horrible habit of over editing my words, when in all reality, they're fine. I'll just go with the flow of brain waves. Who cares if I'm babbling on in a blog. That's why I decided to do this. So I can babble on without judgement! My brain never shuts down or slows it's roll so I'm usually all over the place. I hate sleeping for the simple reason that there is just to much to get done and in most cases so much to read, learn about, and experience. Like my TV series on Netflix or Farcry 4 obsession. Can you consider it an obsession if you only get to do it once or twice a week. I'm stuck on The Originals right now. Yep, a vampire show. Who would have thought all these sexy blood sucking vampire shows were going to take over?

     Okay, so FOOD. I love it, I truly enjoy it, in a close second to my kids. It indefinitely reigns over my husband...Sorry Babe ;) Just kidding. I love to cook, and I'm no professional chef, but I impress myself  9 times out of 10. I'm a master at throwing things together with what I have available. Like Chopped with no time frame. So every few days I'll make a post of the food I've created at home or at work. I'll even post what I made for my hubby and I tonight. All in all....took me maybe an hour to throw it all together. 

 

 Dinner for two all from scratch! Red Wine Tarragon London Broil, with Caper Dijon sauce, Sweet Harissa Pickles, Chevre Scalloped Potatoes, Roasted asparagus, roasted parsnips, and 

Broiled Butter Pita bread!

So, here it all is. This is what's being digested in my belly right now! Yum....it was my first time making a london broil too. I'm fully immersed in my two James Beard books right now. I started with the beef section and he said to broil the meat, so I added my own little touches, and voila. And the pita bread was the smaller thick pockets. We ran down to the Middle Eastern market and grabbed it to go with dinner. While there, I also grabbed Moroccan Harissa, Capers, and Pine nuts. All the while my husband grilling me on what each item was and where it comes from and what will I do with it. I honestly don't know where pine nuts come from. I just know I like them toasted and in pasta and salads. Harissa I had heard of plenty of times, but never tasted or used it. In the case of my pickles....Harissa, red wine vinegar, garlic, salt, pepper, and sugar with fresh cukes. they were delightful by all means. And easy as pie to throw together!

If you want to try it. Here's what i did, I rubbed the beef allover with salt, pepper, and tarragon. Then sparingly, drizzled some Cab Sauvignon over it and let it sit out for an hour. Broiled on high about 4 inches from the broiler, for 4 minutes on each side. Beard insisted that this cut needed to be rare (which I don't like) but mine turned out mid rare. Slice the meat paper thin at a sharp angle, and serve on crusty bread with a pungent sauce. It was phenomenal, and I'm happy I tried it!

Most of my food knowledge has come from my mother, but even she says I can out cook her any day now. Very nice compliment coming from this remarkable woman who knows how to do everything and anything!

Since it's so late, I'll end my post with a goodnight. This chick still has work clothes to wash and some spreadsheets to conquer!

Kind Regards,

Jen