Goodness! I have been living this "Whoa!" kinda crazy life for two years since I started this blog. I had good intentions of doing a blog daily, well we see how that worked out. As the years go on, I have passed on many of my goals and intentions for one reason or another. I started a new job, my youngest started kindergarten, I have 2 dogs now lol, lots of things have happened in 24 months since I posted my very first blog.
So much has happened since my last post, that life had become somewhat unbearable. I'm a back and forth, emotionally indecisive nightmare right now. I work hard everyday in my mind to get to a healthy place. I have days where I cannot get a grip on my thoughts, and I wander into small endless currents of self pity and distress. The waves of despair wash over me in small cold laps of iciness. This is not where I, nor anyone, would want to end up in their life at 35 years old. I accept each situation and emotion as best as I can, and I force myself to deal accordingly. What other choice would I have? I am a fighter, but even in a full combat battle the fighters get weary and tired. Yet, we rise back up after we catch our breath. But the scars of warfare remain perpetually.
So here's what's happening on the marriage aspect of my life....
I love my husband with every ounce of my being, so before I even start writing anything about our issues, I am just being clear he is the love of my life, even though I'm about to complain! And I am always trying to fight for my marriage and for him. I'm also learning how to fight better for myself and children though as well. He loves me uncontrollably. But....when a person cannot face their inner demons and tame them or force them to disappear, it is only a matter of time before the demon attacks the angel. That is what happened to my husband. When their is inner turmoil, a rage of emotions unexplained and confusing can cause a good person to do things completely baffling to the mind of others. Sadly he has hurt me more than I can express. He hurts me without even realizing what he's doing. Our relationship has been heaven and hell from the beginning for nine years. Our crazy love for each other always seems to bring out the best and worst in both of us. There are moments everyday where I say, "I'm fucking leaving this dude, I just cannot do this!"...but thirty minutes later I realize I can't. I have never been ready. For brief flashing hours, I feel empowered, like YES! I CAN DO THIS! But then I am brought back to my reality of the deep connection I have with Shawn and I cannot fathom cutting that tie. I've been saying it for years, some force beyond my understanding cements my heart and soul into the foundation of our life. Maybe it's God, maybe he's keeping us together for a reason. I truly do believe everything happens or a reason. I feel stupid and ignorant, and blind every day, and I work on those feelings as I know I am far from being the only woman, wife, significant other to feel this way. I thought at first it was because I was afraid to be alone, afraid to have to do this all over again someday, somewhere in the future. Lord, knows I have been through the ringer with every goddamn man I've ever been with. I have two boys with no biological father in their life as an example.
My husband decided he wanted to become a drug addict the last two years, just to add to the immensely huge pile of shit we go through on a regular basis. I guess he was bad before we ever met, I don't know, but back before I ever knew him he actually sold drugs, so he always had a supply. But back in his day...he didn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids, house, family, job, car, no responsibilities at all etc.... First it was Vicodin in 2015 that landed him in detox then rehab. I never saw a difference in his behavior, though we barely were able to see each other we worked so much. I think back and the things I thought were something else were his opiate addiction. How I thought he needed to be checked for RLS because at night when we were in bed he couldn't keep his legs still.....withdrawals. Or how his already skinny frame had gotten smaller and his face was thinner and sulking, and I told him to make sure he was eating lunch. He was eating alright, eating pills all day. Or how he made twice as much money as me but yet never had any, duh! So he went to rehab, but sadly only for 2 weeks and I truly believe he only went because he was going to lose his job...that he lost anyways a month after he came home. A $19 an hour job...gone!Then in 2016 he turned into a severe cocaine binger. The stress of having no job, our marriage problems, me working all the time, his self esteem issues took hold and he couldn't get a grip. Though he only binged sporadically (seriously only every few months) to where it truly did not affect our marriage, but in huge amounts in such a small time frame that could easily have put him into cardiac arrest at 34 years old. The last draw was he stole money from our son and I (over $300 in a matter of 3 weeks), and even used money my mother had given him for my birthday to get high. He was picked up by the police 2 days before my birthday after I asked him to leave as he was high on cocaine and had been in the home with our three boys while I worked. That night was the last night he was home. September 28th. It's January! I've seen my husband 15 times since then. He spent 15 days in a psychiatric hospital, came home for 6, left for rehab for 28 days and went straight to his sober living home on our son's 6th birthday. He never even discussed anything with me. Never asked how I felt about him going into a home, never asked if we'd be okay,if I'd be okay..... never asked anything remotely important. He spent 2 hours with us on Thanksgiving, spent Christmas day with us. His time is so limited. And he's a half hour away. So now the addiction has creeped it's way into our marriage in the form of his recovery. And it's heartbreaking. Something that should be exciting, hopeful, new....has turned sour as we live two separate lives. I am not a part of his recovery and he is far from being a part of mine.
Today my husband has been out of our home and in recovery for 106 days. The first month and a half I was beaming with pride as he was so optimistic about our life and his mental health. And now.....I'm just trying to hang on. I feel like a single female. I feel like I have no partner. I feel alone and sad, even though I have my beautiful children. I don't mope around or sleep for days. I still live my life as I should. But it's not the same. When I can't see Shawn when I want, or tell him something the moment I think of it, or ask him to use his long arms to grab a cup off the top shelf, or have him rub my back as we fall asleep, or watch a damn show on Netflix with him...I feel lost. I have to plan out my conversations with him. I have to remember what I wanted to ask him, or tell him, or just simply say to him. How cruel is that?
My life has turned into a waiting game. He was supposed to come home in mid February, but the way he talks now, I realize he is going to choose to stay longer in his sober living home. And....that....infuriates me!!!!! Then I feel guilty for being angry. But I am, I am so angry. I am here! I am in our home! I am taking care of our children and bills and pets ALL BY MYSELF! And this dude is hanging out with his recovery buddies, going out to breakfast, lunch, dinner, playing fucking euchre every night as I'm in tears because our six year old is so out of control emotionally that I cannot get him into bed! I mean seriously our son has to go to therapy because he has become so out of control since his dad has been gone. I have to deal with that. I have to always be the bad guy reprimanding, and scolding. He's also working and paying his own rent, in this sober home so there's nothing left for him to help his family and I have to get state assistance, what in the hell?
I try to stay calm, and I am the majority of the time. I tend to have my moments at home with my children where I completely lose my shit and I feel unworthy as a mother. I feel myself slipping away from my husband. I'm a wife, a lover, a best friend to this man...and I am not allowed to be any of those things right now and haven't been for months. So I have my resentment eating at me. For the time being no Al-Anon meetings or literature, or Codependent books can block the way I feel. I feel the way I do, and I am allowed to feel pissed and hurt. But I'm working on that. I understand that he will be ready when he feels ready. I'm not an addict so I don't play the "I understand how you feel game" with anyone with addiction issues, I have my own problems to deal with. These are his problems, and now unlike before they are causing US problems....and there's no resolution happening at this time. My marriage has been put on hold and it really sucks! I know I'm not an angel, but I am a good person. A lot of how I feel I know is absolutely ridiculous and selfish, and well....that's okay for now. It's better to get it all out than to have it build up and explode all over! If there are others out there that are going through something like this, than I completely stand with you!
So as I blog each day from now on I'll express how I feel, things that happen with us, my kids, home, etc. But not everything will be about this. I'll talk about a plethora of topics. Despite it all, I am truly blessed. I have a good head on my shoulders, beautiful healthy children, a loving supportive family, a nice home, a vehicle....and food! Cause I love food! Until next time.......
